Wednesday, May 5, 2010

on procrastination

so the apathy and depression bugs creep up on me insidiously on a regular basis. i seem to have developed this strange way of procrastinating which involves me setting myself goals, chosen from my to-do list and then somehow managing to do everything but those things. i can't entirely say i did nothing but at the same time i did nothing that i set out to do. this frustrates me. my goal for today is to clean the kitchen. it's disgusting and i can't move in there and i need to cook a lot tomorrow if the dinner party is going to happen. i know that it is never as bad as i think it will be. it never takes as long as i think it will while staring at all those dishes and it never bothers me that much while i'm doing them (as long as i remember actively to not resent the process). for some unknown reason, instead today i have bagged up all the recycling, tidied up a bit, did ALL the laundry, started the yogurt draining for the tatziki, make popsicles with the leftover strawberries before they went bad, and repotted a plant. granted i don't have to go to bed anytime soon and i'm currently drinking my second cup of coffee to try to motivate myself but WHY is it that whatever is the most important task for the day, that is the thing i will avoid by doing everything else i can possibly justify? even more irritating, when i don't give in to this and i do the most important thing first (you know, like a sane person) i feel almost no satisfaction from it. i am a strange little creature. i think i better force myself to get out of the house tomorrow and run my errands first and then forbid myself from turning on the computer or tv for anything but music until the rest of my crap is finished. maybe that will work better.

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