Tuesday, May 4, 2010

living out of my body

survivors often split. we cut ourselves off from our bodies. they say some yogi masters spend years trying to have out of body experiences. i'd like to live in an IN body experience. as a child i did not have the capacity to deal with the physical and emotional pain of what was happening to me. i could not have gone to kindergarten and learned to read and play and act like other children if i had been fully experiencing the reality of my situation. it would have driven me insane. as a survival tactic i learned to not feel my body. i lived in my chest or in my head and was numb to a greater or lesser degree from before i can remember till the last few years. occasionally now i can be in my body and feel what's really happening. not often. not when anything threatening is happening. not when i feel in any way unwell or insecure. i still don't call my body home. i'm more aware of it now. it's like being anesthetized. like having an epidural or your face frozen at the dentist and being afraid you'll hurt yourself by accident because you are not fully in control of your limbs. i don't feel hunger until my blood sugar is so low i'm trembling and dizzy. then of course i don't feel secure so i'm all up in my head and honestly can't feel my legs whatsoever. i go down a flight of stairs and i cling to the railing and stare at my feet trying to will them to go where i say and not topple me to my death. i stop concentrating for a moment and i lose my balance and panic. i try to know myself through masturbating mindfully and find i can't stay present while touching anything more then my own shoulder. i don't feel pain the way everyone else does. i feel a nagging annoyance until it's suddenly unbearable. i don't know i'm tired until i can't focus on reading or keep my eyes open anymore and then i lie staring at the wall with every muscle tensed waiting for...what? i don't remember enough to work through it and i don't know how to. and i'm so very afraid to remember alone yet i can't possibly imagine being comfortable going through the darkest places with anyone else. accepting help and comfort feel repulsive and like i'm a failure who couldn't do it myself. so where the hell does that leave me?

No comments:

Post a Comment