Thursday, April 29, 2010

where i'm starting from

i suppose i shouldn't say starting. i've been working on this for 10 years. i still feel like i'm just starting though since i don't feel like i've made any progress. i'm tired of being broken inside. i'm tired of feeling that my life hasn't begun, like it's all been worthless and will be so until i repair the damage done to me as a child. at the same time i'm terrified to actively work on these issues because i have a really good idea of just how much it's going to hurt. i've barely scratched the surface and it's already unbearable. i cannot do this with the tools i currently have. i need help and it's a lot harder to press forward when it's not only terrifying but also really hard to find the help. i should not have to make 50 phone calls and beg and plead to have any kind of help with this. it's no wonder our society is in the state it is around child abuse if this is the amount of attention it's paid. even people from fraser mental health or similar either sound like they've never heard of such a thing or speak to me gently and slowly like i'm a wounded puppy. i am not a victim! i am a warrior along with every other survivor! i am strong enough to have gotten this far, i think i deserve a bit of help to get over the nastiest hump.
some days i just don't have any hope anymore. i don't believe that romantic love exists, at least not for me. i look at my facebook friends and realize i don't actually like most of these people. i don't connect with anyone. i don't understand how the rest of the world lives. i'm tired of people giving trite and dismissive answers like "well change your attitude then" or "well if all your going to do is whine about it then you really can't do it". i know that i *can* do it. i'm saying i don't know how! please, if you know then teach me! i feel like i'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up. i'm not ok. i can't live like this. i don't know how to fix it and i can't do it alone anymore

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