i suppose it's officially tomorrow since it's 1am. i've discovered that most formal rituals in this group lack the solemnity or power to feel meaningful so i've taken to doing more like western family holidays with food and merriment among loved ones. course being pagan our holidays and traditions are different from others. beltane being the fertility festival of early spring we are reveling in sensuality with lovely food and massages. i'm hoping it doesn't end up so drunken that embarrassing hijinks will ensue but i do have red wine to go with the good cheese and chocolate, rose wine because everyone likes it, champagne for mimosas, and we created an evil concoction of lavender lemonade and vanilla vodka that tastes like liquid summer so we just HAVE to make a pitcher of that. i'm going to try to compensate by getting smaller bottles of red and champagne. course i am also tempting fate by having fruit with a bowl of whipped cream to dip which often becomes licking cream off fingers instead. i'm hoping i'll be in a good enough head space that i can accept a massage from someone. i desperately need one, my back and shoulders hurt so much. i get in this vicious circle where i'm depressed so i don't let anyone within 3 feet of me, so i get touch starved and more depressed. well anyway i can probably handle the hot rocks as that's less contact but plenty of people seem to have been invited that i wasn't expecting so we'll see how i feel. the plan is to pile all the pillows and blankets in the house onto the living room floor, pile food on the table, put on the zen cd or sound machine and neroli in the nebulizer and chill out with conversation and massages. oh i hope this goes well!
oh for fuck sakes. i should not have to tell people that if me or my roommate did not invite you, you are not invited. if i had wanted you there i would have asked. drama should never be a part of a chill holiday. it's a sensual event where we will be drinking and trading massages. i WILL NOT have people there that make me uncomfortable participating in my own event in my own house.
well overall it went ok. nobody got insanely drunk and embarrassed themselves. i didn't sink too far into depression, and no one unwanted showed up. silly disorganized impromptu ritual was fun and there was much merriment had by all. sleep deprivation made me very cranky this morning but everything has a price. didn't manage to let anyone within 3 feet of me for a massage but i wasn't really expecting to be able to.