Thursday, June 3, 2010
i actually dreamed last night. that's very rare in itself but even more rare was that it wasn't a horrible nightmare of the chased-by-a-serial-killer variety. it was a rather sweet scene of a first kiss with someone i know that i'm mildly attracted to in real life. as much as my sex drive feels like it has been taken out back and beaten to death, i do find myself finally craving tenderness and intimacy again. i often get this way when i'm single and i'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse since it has lead me to poor decisions in the past. i find myself desperately wanting to really FEEL something. i find my days to be generally...beige. i'm not doing much of anything, i'm not even trying for much of anything. i certainly don't feel anything other then boredom for the most part. as much as i know just how deeply it can cut i find myself craving a romance of some kind just for the distraction of feeling alive. as much as it can hurt like your dying, at least it's better then feeling nothing. that's the worst of the singledom for me, i feel dead inside. i want to LIVE. i crave the glorious highs and horrible lows. i feel like i'm locked in stasis and wasting my youth, too scared to do anything. that's not really true of course. to be honest i haven't been really attracted to anyone in some two or three years. i don't know if that's because i haven't bothered to meet anyone new or because i have cut myself off from the possibility. oh whatever. i will resolve to meet my need for emotion through striving to grow as a person and little adventures like rock climbing and camping. chasing after romance for it's own sake has never done anyone any good. i'm more then half resolved that i've had my last relationship and sexual experience ever anyways, best not to dwell.
Posted by spiritussancto at 1:40 AM