slut shaming starts early

i was watching some dance clips on youtube the other day and came across 2 i found thought provoking. the first has 7 year olds dancing to "single ladies" in a very energetic and sexual manner:

the second group looks about 11-13 maybe and that had an even more visceral response for me since i found it both beautiful and attractive:

while they are undoubtedly talented, several people immediately found it disturbing to see anything sexual done by girls this young and objected to both their costumes and their movements. i admit that initially it threw me a bit as well, but why should it? their dance is empowering and life affirming. if an adult finds it arousing, the fault is not with the 7 year old! somewhere along the way we seem to have forgotten that we are sexual creatures FROM BIRTH. finding something attractive does not mean you would ever abuse that child. finding their aesthetic and movements beautiful is not inappropriate. there seems to be a lot of blaming the parents and coaches for allowing free-thinking young girls to dress and act in a way they find positive. have we really started slut shaming this early? if you found those videos disturbing, i suggest taking off your society-approved-judgment hat for a moment, put on your artist-seeing-talent-and-beauty hat, and try again. i know i couldn't do what these girls are doing and i have 4 years of formal dance training. their costumes are appropriate to the number they're performing and allow you to see their body movements. if it helps, think of the 7 year olds as playing dress-up and the 11 year olds testing the waters of womanhood. then try to remember how you felt at those ages. if you were mentally and physically healthy, you were not dead from the waist down until puberty. children deserve credit to not only make their own decisions and stand by them, but to own their bodies, their sexuality, and their emotions as full humans taking on responsibilities as they are capable. we do them a disservice by insisting they be cut off from all sexuality until we arbitrarily decide they're ready for it (or decide as adults they WE'RE ready for them to be sexual). sexuality does not just mean having sex. it has to do with how we see ourselves in our bodies, our genders, how we react to other people, our personal power, and many other factors. if you've ever assumed that a baby wearing pink is a girl and wearing blue must be a boy, you have participated in this. wouldn't it be a lot healthier to answer sexual questions as they're asked, allow kids to test the waters of their actions, and blame pedophiles for child abuse instead of kids who like to dance, or the parents and coaches who encourage them?

start a mini farm in your windows

we harvested our first three snow peas last night! what a wonderful way to start the solstice! they were amazingly fast too, i planted those from seed on mother's day. i don't think there's anything more satisfying in life then enjoying the fruits of your own labors: the veggies you grew from seed, the sweater you knitted, the cider you brewed, the wonderful cat you raised from a baby, the relationship you nurtured and saw through hard times. anything you had a hand in creating from scratch fills you up in a way that nothing you buy or passively consume ever could. growing your own food is a revolutionary and primal act that sustains your basic needs without any outside interferance needed.
want to grow things but you live in an apartment with no balcony? i feel your pain. some cities have community gardens but mine doesn't. even if it does you would need to either visit every day to water in the warmer months or set up some kind of drip irrigation system on a timer. not all community gardens will allow that and it's a bit expensive and fiddly for a beginner. you could ask your landlord to use the roof but that's still a pain in the ass and lots of buildings wont allow it. you could pirate garden by adopting a piece of land close by that no one is loving and just plant there whether the owner likes it or not. i approve of this but haven't had the guts to try it yet and you need a water source close by. be sure to ask any friends who have yards if you can landscape it for them and share the harvest but in the absence of that we have windows. and boxes therefor.
our apartment is blessed with lots of south-west facing windows that get solid sun for a good 6 hours a day and then indirect sun for the later afternoon and evening. we also have two more west facing bedroom windows that get more like 4 hours a day and indirect for the rest of the time. it's important to take note of how much sun you get and at what times. this decides what you can grow. most veggies require at least 6 hours. if you get less then that you'll be better off with lettuce and other partial shade lovers.
assuming you get enough sun, you have to find plants that are compact unless you want your living room overrun with squash vines (which i also approve of, but it's not very practical) and if your windows don't open at the bottom your plants will have to put up with a fair amount more heat and dryness then they would on the outside sill (which you should do if possible, you can even skip watering when it rains).
i'm a believer that beginners should be set up to succeed. you can experiment more when you have a handle on the basics and won't assume you're just not a gardener if one of your plants doesn't do well. i suggest making the best use of your space that you can. all our windows have boxes and i also have a table acting as a plant stand at the same level as one box and i'll be transplanting into some hanging planters to go more virtical. don't overwhelm yourself, but don't only plant one thing either. three big boxes are a good start. make sure they are in places you see every day. our bedroom planters get neglected much more then the ones in the living room. get soil that retains a good amount of moisture since boxes dry out quickly, and if you can get or make compost, all the better. one of the most important things i've learned as a gardener is to stop fucking fiddling so much. these are living things. by definition, they will never be perfect. they don't have to be and they will still be wonderul. so your peas are curling around your zucchini plants a bit. is everyone still alive and happy and producing? then so what? so your thyme is overgrowing your mint more then you thought it would. eat more thyme and let it go. both these things are happening in my garden right now, btw, and it's still beautiful and healthy and productive.
here are a few easy plants that you shouldn't have much trouble with:

*lettuce! start from seed and get a loose leaf variety instead of a tight head type and you can extend the harvest all spring, summer, and early fall by eating the outside leaves only of big plants and the whole thing of little plants your thinning out. i planted quite densely (way closer together then the pkg says) and have been trying to thin out as they get too crowded. in this way you "eat your way to equalibrium" until you just have a few full sized plants. we didn't keep on top of it very well to be honest and fairly soon i think i'll just harvest the last scrappy ones and plant fresh. lots of these varieties go from seed to table in 45 days or less so it's no trouble to replant if it's not going so well, even if that's in mid july. they will also put up with partial shade as they get a bit wilty in tons of sun. make sure they don't get too dry. homegrown lettuce actually has a distinct flavor instead of the water-filled heads you find wrapped in plastic at safeway, and it doesn't just decompose in the fridge since you pick right before you eat.

*tomatoes! get little seedlings as soon as they appear in your stores. starting from seed is fiddly and you have to do it really early. this is the first year i'm trying it and it works, but it's not beginner material. make sure you get one that's labled "patio" or "bush" so it's a compact and well behaved little plant. i recommend cherry tomatoes since they produce an insane amount of fruit for the size of the plant and most will keep producing all summer as opposed to only having one harvest of big fruits. they like lots of sun and soil that will retain some moisture since they hate drying out completely. if you think you don't like tomatoes, try them anyways. the ones you grow yourself are a completely different creature from anything at the grocery store. they're sweet and rich and complex and juicy. they're my favorite vegetable to grow, hands down. don't get too fussed with the million tips and tricks and instructions online, none of that is really needed. only stake them up if they're falling over, give them plenty of sun and water and good soil, add a sprinkle of used coffee grounds if you like, and let them do their thing.

*herbs! these are SO expensive if bought fresh but so much tastier and healthier! again, start with little seedlings for most things, make sure they get plenty of sun and water but some like to dry out a bit between soakings. herbs are often a little masochistic. they really like being harvested too, the more you pick, the more they bush out. most do best if you pinch off right above a pair of leaves, which will then each become new branches. i highly recommend basil, rosemary, oregano, mint, and thyme for being super easy and abundant but grow what you'll actually eat since you'll have a ton of it. towards the end of the season you can do one last big harvest and dry it for winter really easily. you can fit at least 3 types of herb in one good sized window box.

*peas! i like snow peas but any type of bean or pea grows quickly and easily. start them from seed with good sun and soil that will hold moisture. they're very forgiving and can be trained to grow up the window if you get a vine type instead of a bush type. i strung fishing line back and forth across the window as a trellis and now we have a living curtain. if you pick the pods as soon as they're ready the plants will keep making more. stop harvesting and they'll assume they're done and stop producing. i'm going to let a few fully mature at the end of the season to save for next year's planting. they also have the advantage of putting nutrients back into the soil so the next thing you plant will do even better. you can plant a fair bit more densely then the package says, mine are only about 4 inches apart and doing fine. they'll grab anything close to them so if you want to be able to move around their neighbors then watch them closely.

there's a whole world of other easy plants out there. be sure to plant things you'll actually eat, don't just go crazy with everything that will grow in your conditions. don't buy the cheepest soil you can find, you get what you pay for. if your area doesn't have a proper plant nursery (mine doesn't) then check hardware stores, florists, farmers markets, etc. the best places around here are two dollar stores who also sell flowers and a little neighborhood market that has a greenhouse out back. the best sources i've found for planters and soil are those dollar stores as well but our local rona is fairly pathetic.
i never feel like i get to take credit for my garden, to be honest. i didn't do an awful lot of work. it was the plant that grew the peas, not me. it's an everyday miracle that i can put seeds in soil, add water, and have food in under two months. it amazes me every time. i feel the same about the transformation from apple juice to alcohol with just the addition of sugar and yeast, the creation of clothing from yarn and sticks, the birth of mammals from the start of two cells. this is why creativity is good for your spirit. it fills you will the awe of life and connects you to the world around you. grow some greens and you will also nurture your own heart and soul with gratitude and joy.

on feminisism and image

you'll have to forgive me for semi-incoherent ranting as i'm very tired and hungry at the moment. i'll be more cognitive once i've eaten.
i took a look at my wardrobe the other day and saw an interesting divide. i seem to have clothes that i wear to the office and clothes that i wear on my days off. fairly normal some would say but this isn't actually because of a dress code. i fairly flagrantly ignore my company's dress code a lot of the time and i think they haven't found the guts to say anything about it yet. if/when they do i'll have lots of pithy responses to the effect of finding their behavior unprofessional since they are valuing someone's aesthetic over their worth as a person and an employee. but i digress, the main reason for the divide is one of how i want people to see me while i'm at work. while there i tend to wear yoga pants and t-shirts, makeup, and very rarely any jewelry or anything colourful or interesting that is more in keeping with what i think looks good. it's not uncommon that i think i look frumpy and drab when i leave in the morning with my hair pulled out of the way and as plain a style as i can tolerate. i then try to counter this a bit by putting on makeup on the train into the office and this is partially a form of masking; i feel a little more confident and safe going into a hostile situation when i know that at least my face looks a little prettier then i do naturally even if the rest of me doesn't. like it or not, this world caters to those who are physically pretty. some days i really don't feel like doing this and might even think i look just fine that day without any paint but i still do it. partially out of habit and partially because if go without now i'll get a plethora of irritating comments.
on my days off i sometimes wear the same uniform, but really only if i'm cleaning or running errands and the like. if i'm just out enjoying myself (or home doing the same) i can often be found wearing a medieval style dress or a long flowing skirt, jewelry, sometimes flowers in my hair, and rarely any makeup. i don't feel the need to armor myself against the world when i'm choosing what i do and who i interact with. these clothes are comfortable and beautiful to me and it seems a shame to just keep them for special occasions that don't come until said clothes are moth-eaten and no longer fit (noticed moth holes in my clothes recently, we need cedar sachets!)
this has gotten me thinking about my definition of femininity and how it makes me feel in relation to other people. i feel uncomfortable wearing feminine clothes at the office because i work in a strongly male-dominated field and i fear i wont be taken seriously if i'm seen as an attractive woman instead of a talented tech. i often get the feeling that people think you can be one or the other but not both. it's strange that i do wear makeup to work then since that's such a girly piece of dress, but i see it as a mask of protection. a way to separate and camouflage while i have to hang out with these horrible shallow people. i don't bother and i like my naked face a lot more when i'm doing what i want.
this also makes me a bit uncomfortable with wearing dresses and skirts and the like on my days off. does my view of clothing make me less of a feminist? sometimes wearing the things i think are pretty makes me feel like i'll be seen as weak. am i claiming my femininity when i'm among my chosen people? i think part of feminism is wearing whatever you like and not being judged for it. does that mean living by my morals should have me looking more girly at work? do i want to deal with those judgmental people's comments and glares and whispering? when the hell did i start giving a shit what anyone thought anyway? maybe i just need to remember that it is beneath my dignity to care if anyone expresses approval of how i dress. maybe i just need a better job. no, i definitely do. i wonder how my views will change when i have one...

spinach dip

difficulty rating: Rrrrgh . . . . Brains . . . .
now THIS is how spinach dip is supposed to look and taste! no mayo in sight and plenty of happy green spinach, not the tiny bit of sad brown stuff found behind the deli counter. besides, this is so easy it's embarrassing. dooo eeeet:
1 pkg frozen chopped spinach (about 1.5 cups, lightly drained)
1 cup sour cream (use low fat if you like)
1 pkg light cream cheese (8oz or 1 cup)
1 pkg dry vegetable soup mix (knoor or no-name work fine, don't get the tomato-vegetable type)
2 Tbs-1/3 cup minced onion
1 Tbs dill
1 tsp garlic 1/2 tsp black pepper
2-5 Tbs milk, to thin if needed

some of these measurements are approximate since i just throw this together, it's pretty forgiving. you can mix it in the blender if you like.
soften cream cheese, stir everything together, refrigerate for at least an hour
serve with bread, preferably sourdough

pride and prejudice of your own creations

do any of my fellow creative people ever find yourself in this duality of knowing how much skill and time and effort goes into a project, but also feeling that your own work isn't as good as something you bought from the store? even once you understand how something is made that doesn't seem to erase the ingrained belief that you can't or shouldn't do it yourself. our culture has done a good job of beating into our heads that ALL food, clothing, shelter, jewelry, booze, entertainment, and everything else MUST be manufactured entirely by experts who've spent decades perfecting the art or by machines in factories (or child labor). it never used to be this way. this is a phenomenon that the industrial revolution and mass media forced upon us. yes, it's convenient to be able to buy a pair of flip flops for 2.99 at any big box store in the summer, but at what cost does that come? who made them? what enviromental impact did that have? will they even last or will i have to replace them in a month? what if i did make them myself? i could use other materials; recycled or sustainable or at least more durable. i would know they were good quality and not made by a 7 year old making $0.20 a day. would they be as uniform as all the rows and rows on the shelves? of course not, i don't have nearly as much practice. what they would be is unique and probably better if not just as good. they might be entirely recycled stuff or they might cost 2-3 times as much in materials, does that make them worse or better? no. i'll also be able to fix them, should they break, and have the pride of saying "i made them myself". this is a concept that was far more common a few generations ago. our grandparents did not have this disposable attitude that you would just buy new anytime something was less then perfect. they fixed things that were broken, or made a replacement themselves, and you know what? there's a reason they say things like "they just don't make things like they used to", it's true! now everything is made by machine or by underpaid labor instead of by hand with pride, and it's designed to fall apart so you buy more things. the idea that you can't do stuff for yourself was specifically impressed upon us in order to make us buy more things. that doesn't make it true. what it does is create a society of stunted human animals who are incapable of providing even the basic necessities of life for themselves. we're relied on others to do things for us for so long that we're starting to lose these basic arts. from cooking to making clothes to animal husbandry and gardening to making a shelter to making music and storytelling. these used to be vital arts that everyone knew. some were better at one thing then another, which is how we ended up with cities where you have a butcher and a baker and seamstress, etc and we gathered to share our skills. now we gather just to make it easier to get to our jobs (many of which are NOT essential in the world, don't kid yourself, my own included) and to get to stores where we buy things that were made by nameless people in a land far far away. there is something seriously wrong with that. what happened to our pride in our work? what happened to self sufficiency and quality and community? how can we get them back? it starts with trying out doing something for yourself that you could just as easily pay someone else to do; something you're interested in and will enjoy the results of. then it becomes a matter of retraining yourself with the proof of your own experience that you CAN do most things yourself and it IS just as good, if not better then what you can buy in the stores, and is often cheeper and healthier. another thing i've found helps is to name your creations. don't call it "some fruit wine i brewed in a bucket", call it "black cherry shiraz" or something and serve it to your friends. their reviews will help you appreciate the end result. remember that your simplified system is usually only a smaller setup then what's found in factories but you're not adding scary chemicals and yours was made with a lot more care and attention. bear in mind that not all your experiments will work and that's ok. you learn from the mistakes and the next time is better. get it knocked right out of your head that you CAN'T do something. of course you can if you want to learn how, and who knows when these things will come in useful?

cider variations

after that first test batch that went so well we've never looked back. i adopted some big water cooler jugs from a neighbor who had them out for recycling (silly people, if you return them yourself you get $10 each and i'm going to sterilize them anyways) and now i try to always have at least 2 batches on the go at any given time. the jugs hold just over 4 gallons each which translates to filling 8 2-litre pop bottles per batch, for about $20. not too shabby at about 10% alcohol. the basic batch tastes a lot like big rock cider or strongbow, but less watered down (the commercial ones taste like mine if you mixed it 50/50 with soda water).
of course we get tired of the basic stuff after a while so i've been experimenting with flavors in a few ways: adding vanilla beans to the mix, which added little black flecks but otherwise had little effect. swapping 25% of the apple juice for a different fruit has had mixed results. the guava and cranberry turned out nice but a bit subtle. the raspberry turned out a touch bitter and very subtle. we also tried adding maple syrup instead of some of the sugar while bottling as well as a little almond extract at that time. the almond flavor came through a lot more then i was expecting but the maple barely at all. that batch also didn't really carbonate for some reason. wild sugars like maple syrup and honey are very unpredictable. it might have carbonated if i'd left it longer. most recent experiments have been with adding concentrated juices. so far the only one that we've tasted is one i emptied a full litre of blackcurrent concentrate into (was supposed to be mixed with water at 1:5 ratio) which was incredibly surprising as it started out smelling strongly like blackcurrent and being a deep purple colour, but by the time we bottled it was only slightly darker then our regular cider and had lost all of the flavor. it also didn't really carbonate for some reason. :( i do plan to try that one again but i think i'll add the blackcurrent juice at bottling time as that seemed to preserve flavors better. i've got one with concentrated peach juice and one with concentrated white grape still finishing up, we'll how those are in the next few weeks. i still haven't bottled the dry sage flavored experiment i started months ago, lol. next one i'm trying i'll be throwing in a handful or two of lavender in, just for shits and giggles.
little things i've learned along the way: you don't need fancy equipment. it's nice and makes your life easier but it's really not necessary. you can produce just as lovely results with recycled and repurposed items as you can with a $300 setup. you can always replace with nicer stuff as you get more into it. i am very happy that i bought a decent auto-syphon and bottling rig. i tried to do it with just a piece of aquarium tubing and a standard suck-on-the-end syphon at first and it can be done but it's not very sanitary and it makes an unholy mess. the whole rig cost me about $15 and it's totally worth it. it's also a pain in the ass to sterilize. the easiest way i've found is to do so as you're sterilizing another carboy as you've already got a big container full of sanitizer solution that you can just syphon out instead of dumping and then do the same with plain hot water to rinse.
you can use hot water with a touch of dishsoap and a bit of bleach to sanitize. just be sure to rinse really well. plastic holds the bleach smell a lot more then glass, which is why i want to get good glass carboys one of these days. the glass ones also last longer since they don't get all scratched and nasty. i'll be scouring craig's list for cheep ones instead of paying $40 each at bosa grape most likely. if you fear bleach you can also use vinegar followed by peroxide (don't mix them together first, that makes a scary chemical) but you really shouldn't water it down. a spray bottle might do the job. you can buy special "no rinse" sanitizer but i have no idea what chemical they use in that and i've seen it cause scary amounts of bubbling while bottling so i think i'd give it a rinse anyways, but one rinse would be much less annoying then 3 or 4 for bleach
baloons with a few pinholes poked in them work just as well as "proper" airlocks and will fit on the top of almost all containers. if you do get the proper ones, the type that comes apart into several pieces are easier to use and more effective then the S shaped ones with the two chambers
fancy expensive wine/beer yeast doesn't work any better then regular champagne yeast but you don't want to use baking yeast.
don't bottle in glass if you plan to carbonate. it will explode. technically that's possible with plastic too but at least pop bottles were designed to take the pressure. besides, exploded plastic bottle is a mess. exploded glass bottle is a dangerous mess. some people keep all their filled, carbonating bottles in large tupperware containers just in case. i'd like to look into getting swing-top bottles and seeing if that would work better. you can bottle in glass if you're sure it's done fermenting and wont carbonate. save yourself some hassle and use screw-top bottles instead of corks.
overall remember that this isn't rocket science. yeast plus sugar plus time equals alcohol and CO2. humans have been doing this for a long time and the worst that's likely to happen is something tastes bad. you're not going to kill yourself and it isn't that hard. have fun with it and tell me about your experiments!

therapy *gulp*

so after months on the waiting list i have finally started therapy. i'm not sure how much i like my therapist. she's young and kinda alt-looking and she gardens. she's also really therapisty in that slow, soothing voice, "how does that make you feel? "well that's understandable" sort of way that kinda grates on my nerves. i'm now realizing that part of what took me so long was not just the annoyance of actually finding someone (although that isn't easy) but the terror that now i'm all out of excuses. no more bitching that i have no skilled support and can't do it by myself, etc. now i actually have to decide what i want to work on and then do the fucking work. even if i think it sounds stupid and don't think it will help. enough is enough. i'm going to dive into the center of my shit, rearrange my work schedule, do whatever i'm told and just go with it. yes i am trying to talk myself into this. i refuse to waste the rest of my youth being damaged and dysfunctional. here i go