sometimes i write things

inspired by this piece: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10152841736410195&set=a.154781405194.239944.717790194&type=1&theater I have seen several things that encourage men to go for substance and women to be that kind of person. I haven’t seen any that encourage women to demand more and inspire men to be that more. This was my answer to that lack:

You should date an average boy.

Date a boy who doesn't read. Find him in the sports bar down the street. Find him in your last college class. Find him at a friend’s party, an acquaintance for years. He’ll be surrounded by friends, all interchangeably alike. Remember how long it’s been since you got laid. Stare at him until he looks at you. Engage your practiced move of holding eye contact for a second, then smiling and looking away like he caught you out. Go wander to an empty area so he can come talk to you. Accept his pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Get a little bit more drunk than you meant to. Kiss him and inwardly blame it on the vodka. Go back to his apartment. Fuck him. Pretend it was fantastic. Congratulate yourself on being great in bed.

Stress out about the state of your relationship for months. Overanalyze every exchange and carefully keep this anxiety from him. Read dating articles until you’re convinced men are an alien species. Talk to your mother for some sensible advice. Tell her about him in glowing terms. Ignore the little things he says and does that make you cringe inside. She tells you he’s a nice boy, don’t be ungrateful, he’ll call. There’s nothing wrong with him. No reason not to date him. Ignore the wild best friend from your early 20’s who now only lives in your head. The one who got drunk every weekend and arrested once a year and tried to teach you what you were worth. Over the months, check off the boxes: has a job, doesn’t hate his mom, wouldn’t hit you, attractive, polite. His watching the game and playing xbox are proof of his ability to fit into society’s mould of a guy. He’s nice to the waitress and doesn’t object to your feminism.

Start to wonder where your life is going. Take out your frustration by picking fights with him. Focus on improving your career. Complain to him about having no purpose. Drop hints that he should fix this for you. Pretend to be surprised when he proposes. Tearfully accept. If you have doubts just dismiss it as cold feet. Get married with all the trappings your parents can afford. Consult 10 websites and magazines about the best way to do this. Paste 400 generic pictures into an album. Tell everyone it was the happiest day of your life no matter how stressed or scared you were.

 Have children because it’s expected of you. Constantly worry about being a good mother. Prioritise your children above your relationship until sex is a distant memory. Switch to only working part time. Tell yourself that raising children is more meaningful than anything else you could be doing. Try not to think about the hobbies and dreams you used to have. When the children leave home, sink into a deep depression. Mope around refusing to do anything to feel better until it becomes a massive fight with your husband. Go on vacation. Come back feeling much better about life. Within a month return to most of your old habits.

Get cancer. Battle it as long as you can. Come to terms with your life and all it’s encompassed. Try to be grateful for all the love and the lack of serious strife. Everyone has to go sometime. You could Have been born in a third world country where you would have been illiterate and married off at 12 to a stranger. Tell yourself you’re at peace and your life has been all you wanted it to be. Push away the thought that your husband is still a stranger or what else you could have done.

Tell yourself these things are what life is about. Do not hold out for a man who reads. That man will drag you on all his adventures and make your heart sing. He’ll waste your evenings reading Homer and Nietzsche and Rowling. Relating fantasy novels to psychology and the nature of our relationships. That rare man who reads thirsts for knowledge of himself and anything he doesn’t understand, including you. He will want to hear your story and how you think and what things feel like to you.

Nothing is worse than a man who reads because he knows how to be quiet. and still. and next to you while you’re both in your own little worlds. He knows what it is to weep at the beauty of words and how they can paint a different picture for each person who reads them. He understands the artistry in the simple and the relatability in the awkward. He sees sharing your most personal secrets as an act of courage on par with fighting in a war.

Stay away from the literary man because he will crave adventure. Eventually the numerous stories will filter through his soul and demand action in the real world. He will make you travel and push your boundaries and try things that scare the shit out of you. So many authors have told him that never trying is worse than failing and the big wide world is a wonderful place.

He has romantic notions about transient beauty and the impermanence of life. He doesn’t see any need to do things just because it’s expected of you. He will absolutely fuck up your mother’s plans to see you settled and give her grandchildren. He will ruin you for sex with any future man because he owns 4 instructional books on the subject but finds better inspiration in sonets and Henry Miller. His passion means you will fight regularly and be drawn back to him every time. You will defend this decision to your best friend and your mother more than once. You will never be able to rationally explain the way he feels like the other half of your soul. An addiction you don’t want to be free of. The most beautiful obsession of your life.

Date an average boy who doesn’t read because a man who reads will change you. He will challenge you to grow. To question what’s so wrong with conflict. To follow your own path and demand more. To trust that you will find your way back to each other, or at least where you’re supposed to be. He knows that there is a time to hold firm and a time to let go. He has absorbed the lessons of story and poem and instruction manual and blended them into something uniquely his own. He will put books and articles into your hands and want to discuss them when you’re done. But he may not decide that his story includes you and he happily ever after. Maybe this chapter is about a lesson. Maybe you’re a recurring character. Maybe this is to be continued and not the end. And you will reread those chapters in your mind the rest of your life.

So be gone men who read! Take your Tolkin and your Shakespeare and walk into the sunset you’re going to take pictures of. Or stay, and change my life.

how to pull an all nighter

i don't have a sleep schedule. i'm all over the place and always have been. this has gotten me into a great deal of trouble with jobs, social events etc. one of the ways to try to ensure you can get up early when you're not used to it is to just stay up the night before. i do this all the time but the pattern never seems to hold...
there's lots of other reasons to stay up all night of course: to study, to work, to talk to that awesome new person you just met, or just because you're not tired but don't want to sleep through the whole next day.
since i've done this entirely more often than i'd like to admit, i present to you some tips for doing this when you need or want to:

-sleep late the day before. ok, this might be the reason you're not tired now. that said, if you're planning this in advance, try to sleep as late as possible the previous day or take a few hours nap.

-do not lay down for a "power nap" at any point once the night of wakefulness has begun. you'll tell yourself you'll only sleep for 20 min. you wont. you'll sleep for 9 hours. and then wake up panicking

-if possible, get some exercise right around your normal bed time. not so much that you're tired, just enough to get the blood flowing. jog around the block. do a sun salutation. dance in your underwear.

-don't start the caffeine until you really really have to. once you start you will be dependant upon it until you go to bed, lest your caffeine high come crashing down and take you with it. wait until you're starting to drag and then spend 15 min making the perfect cup of coffee. savour it. have another.

-keep yourself occupied. if you're awake to work, then do so. if you're just resetting your pattern you can indulge your internet addiction, have a marathon of an exciting show that will keep you up, clean your house, talk to your friend in australia, cook something elaborate, write a blog post, you get the idea

-once you start with the caffeine, be sure to also monitor your water intake. dehydration will make you tired and counter the affect of all that lovely coffee. aim for at least the same amount of water as the caffeinated beverage, if not more. i said WATER, not juice or soda or anything else. just. water. yes this will make you have to pee every 30 min. that keeps you awake too.

-remember to eat something every few hours. not a heavy meal that will give you food coma. opt for slow burning carbs (apples, whole grains) and protein. your body needs fuel. you can deprive it of food or sleep but not both.

-crank up the music. silence is sleep-inducing. put on energetic music that makes you want to move

-cool off. go outside, have a cool shower, splash cold water on your face. cold tends to wake you up. if you're one of those strange people that get tired in the cold but can't sleep in heat then go put on 2 sweaters and another pair of socks

-once the sun rises, it's a new day. stop thinking about the night before or how long you've been awake. treat it like you just got up early. go about your normal morning routine and stop thinking about how you spent the night, unless you're mooning over the hot person you've been talking to. then go ahead and revel and plan the next talkathon.

-be patient with yourself for being moody. your brain needs rest to function properly and you're running it into the red zone. you're allowed to be grouchy, silly, stupid, slow, or all of the above. at some point i usually reach the stage where everything is irrationally funny. unfortunately that's generally followed pretty quickly by the stage where nothing is funny. ride the wave. tell people you're tired so they'll be patient with you. try to take it easy on yourself as much as possible.

-do not put on any quiet, thoughtful movies. do not crank the heat up. sleepy animals or children are very contagious. do not drink alcohol. do not read a book. do not rest your head on your arm on your desk just for a minnn.vcb,n ..................

double standards and confusion

keeping with my apparent theme of dissecting dating, can we talk about double standards and weirdness? first of all i'd like to say that i'm a little reluctant to publish this post because it will likely make me look like a slut or a crazy bitch. there's a lot wrong with that in itself. i should be able to write and publish anything i like without people thinking i'm talking about myself unless specified and i hate the term slut and all that it implies (see slut walk etc). what i'm saying here applies more or less to all genders and orientations but i think the difference is most pronounced when i'm trying to date men. stay with me here, it's not all bitching. to be clear, i do not hate males. i'm irritated with society as a whole, that includes me and you since we all participate in it. i'd like to see what we can do about fixing it. as ranty and unattractive as this article makes me look, i think it's important and i don't think i'm alone here.  

mind games: i'm a straightforward and honest person. i'm possibly too blunt but i expect people to take me at my word. i think it's a good thing. i also think that getting to know someone involves knowing their faults as well as their strengths and it's a fair part of choosing a partner.
it makes me crazy that the official dating world seems to have all these insane rules about who calls first, how long you wait to contact someone, when you sleep with them, what it's ok to share and when, how you should look or hold yourself, how positive you should be, when you can consider it a "relationship", who you can ask for advice or support, etc ad nauseum. none of these rules make any kind of sense to me.
i can understand that people are trying to protect themselves and have created rules as a way to manage risk. the problem is that none of these rule sets sync up and most of them defy common sense.
if i could get away with bypassing this crap and just say "hey, this is how i feel about you and where i'd like us to go, what do you think?" it would be fine, but i can't. you know why? NO ONE takes me at my word. it's extremely rare for someone to refuse to play by the rules so it's assumed that even in saying that, i'm playing the game. i know quite a few people who run into exactly the same issue. the distrust runs so deep that even when someone is saying "i seriously have no double meaning here. i like you. i'd like to get to know you. that's all" people are having the reaction of "what do you really mean by that?" *suspicious glare*. does that sound totally crazy to anyone else?
i shouldn't have to gauge how many days it's been since i last talked to someone and determine if that makes it appropriate for me to message them today. i shouldn't have to worry that my most straightforward and honest statements are going to be taken as "well if she's says THAT then what else is she NOT saying?"
 have you ever spoken to a paranoid schizophrenic who's off their meds? everything you say to them is taken as you being out to get them. even you saying you realize they're having problems with a mental illness and would like to help. that's how i feel when dealing with this kind of crap.  

guys are liked for being confident, girls are liked for being...what, exactly?: i realize it's hard for guys to be confident and assertive. no one's saying you have it easy, boys. you're often called upon to pay for everything (i call bullshit), initiate communication, make the first move, etc. all of that crap SUCKS. it doesn't make any sense for these pressures to fall on one partner simply because they have a dick.
i have no problem with asking a guy out, calling first, making the first move, whatever. everywhere you go you'll hear that it's ok for girls to do so. the problem is that it labels me as "aggressive", no matter how gently i do so. if i was male my current dating style would probably be considered really meek and i'd be told to man up and grow a pair. because i was born with a vagina i usually feel like i'm barely walking the line of acceptable assertion without coming off as desperate. that annoys the fuck out of me.
can we look at the definition of desperate for a moment? someone who is willing to be with ANYONE just to not be alone. to chase someone into the ground even if it's clear they're not interested, to compromise their own standards. someone who defines their own worth by having a partner and can't deal with being single. i see that behaviour more in 'player' type guys. the partners they want are only for a night or two but that doesn't make them any less desperate. is someone who's genuinely interested in one particular person and doing their best to get to know them and assess them as a potential mate in a respectful way meeting any of those criteria?
the flip side, girls who are confident and sexual and go after what they want, may be liked initially since they take the unfair pressure off the guys, but how many of them are taken seriously as relationship material? that same confidence that makes them hot to sleep with tends to be taken as threatening or emasculating after a little while and girls don't generally end up with a healthy partnership that way. if you had to pick one trait that almost all girls would say is attractive in a guy(and mean it. and respond to it. and have it work long term), it would undoubtedly be confidence. you ask guys the same question and you'll probably get a similar (if less unified and enthusiastic) response, but it doesn't seem to actually work other than getting laid so i'm confused.  

guys are players, women are gold digging sluts: speaking of getting laid, are we not evolved enough as humans to dispense with the stereotype that women aren't supposed to like sex and men aren't supposed to like relationships? i don't think i have any male friends who are just looking to get laid. certainly there are guys who do that, just as there are women who do. there are shallow assholes or people just wanting to fulfil physical needs and not wanting an attachment in every group of humans. i tend to hang out primarily with men and they are all awesome guys. they would almost all prefer a healthier relationship to a one night stand.
i also really like sex. i know very very few women who don't. not just for the lovey dovey connected feeling or as a way to keep a guy around (and certainly not to get him to buy me things, disgusting concept) but because sex is awesome! it feels great, it releases stress, it helps you sleep, it's good for you in a hundred ways. it can be an amazing spiritual love making connection with someone, or it can just be two people enjoying each other and having a great time! i think it's totally fine for women to safely seek out sex for whatever reason, with whomever they're comfortable with. i don't think they need to answer to anyone for that choice unless they're cheating on a partner.
i also think that it's a bit sleazy to start counting your sex partners as if they were just conquests. considering there's a ton of different definitions of sex (see clerks, etc), it makes more sense to me to have a general estimate and a fluid concept of it. regardless of that number or estimate, you can't change what's already done anyways, nor does it mean you are in any way dirty or unsafe. i would rather sleep with someone who's had 50 partners and was safe and careful about it, than someone who's slept with 15 people but never used protection. they're a much higher risk and less responsible and respectful.
sleeping with someone early in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean they aren't really into you as a person. even if it did, you were part of that decision, what does that say about you?
on a semi-related note, expecting someone to buy you things just because you're sleeping with them means they are paying for sex and you are a prostitute. if you want to be in an adult relationship, act like an adult and pay for yourself. apply the same principals of sharing expenses that you do with your friends.  

the shift from early "dating" to a relationship: there's a host of conflicting and generally shitty advice out there for the initial dating stages, and the same amount of crap for established relationships. where exactly does one become the other? i would think it's when both parties talk about it and decide it is so, but that doesn't work for two reasons.
the first being differing expectations before you have that conversation; some people think you should only ever be interested in or 'seeing' one person at a time. some people think you're free to see multiple people unless you've specifically said otherwise. same thing but more charged when it comes to who you're fucking.
the second being the emotional shift after that conversation. if you're officially in a relationship there's the expectation that you're going to be more attached, rely on them more, etc. the problem is that all of these things take time. you can't just declare someone your bf/gf and suddenly you trust them with all your secrets and they are there for you whenever you need them and love you for evah and evah and evah (i think i'm getting cynical, i just flinched a bit at that).
a conversation or an agreement is just that. it doesn't change your current relationship any more than you let it. there's a whole section of weirdness in that stage where a lot of couples fall apart that no one seems to really understand.

 the weirdness of the alt world: the majority of rules just simply don't apply to us. this is a social world where men and women are close friends really frequently and lots of people are polyamourous, pansexual, trangendered, bi, queer, or all of the above. the lines get muddy really fast. the good part about that is that it necessitates somewhat better communication. the bad part  is that the few stereotypes and double standards and hangups that remain become even harder to figure out. i'd like to think i have a little influence in my community so maybe my rant here will help?

things i think could fix this nonsense:
*say what you mean, take people at their word-starting a relationship with mistrust is a recipe for failure. if i say "i haven't made up my mind about you" it's not a polite way of saying no. if i say "i like you. lets hang out and see if we get along" it's not a marriage proposal. constantly looking for extra meanings where there are none is psychotic, and it makes everyone else involved psychotic too. suck it up and say what you really mean. make it known that you do so.
*standardize-if we must apply rules to make this silliness manageable, they should apply to everyone across the board and everyone should understand them. having a dozen sets of rules that apply only to one gender or the other makes things more confusing, not less. ideas on rules that make sense?
*stop policing other people's choices!-if two people choose to have a one night stand, that's their business. if someone had a crazy section of their youth where they slept with 50 people in a year, that doesn't mean it's still who they are. girls have as much right as guys to say yes or no to sharing their bodies with other people for any reason they like. judge someone by who they are as a person and how they treat you. not on how many people they've slept with in the past.
*talk to your partner, for the love of god!-we all have different communication styles and there will always be some differences in the way men and women think. that said, we are all just people and have way more in common than not. we all have insecurities and hangups. we all get depressed and awkward and nervous. this is part of being human. it's not something that needs to be fixed. be easy with it. tell the person you're interested in how you're feeling. if they're someone you want to date they'll think it's endearing, not unattractive. if you're confused about what your partner said, ask for clarification before you jump to conclusions. if you want to call or text someone, just do so. life and love and relationships shouldn't have to be this hard

rape culture is not a part of alt culture!

so a friend recently posted the following link on FB: http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/ which i highly recommend, btw. i've seen quite a lot of similar stuff popping up in recent years. i think it's important that we talk about this. i think it's fantastic that a lot of it is being posted by my male feminist friends. i think it's necessary to put into words what we all see simmering below the surface and don't talk about. the thing is that some of the statistics in these articles really shock me and a lot of the things they talk about (like "the pact"), while i certainly know what they're talking about, DOES NOT HAPPEN IN MY COMMUNITY! i'm not remotely saying that there's no need for us to talk about it, rather i think the fact that we do is one of the reasons the alt community seems to me to be stronger and healthier than the mainstream world. we post articles like this, and then we talk about them. we consistently support each other and stand up for what we know to be right. we are politically active and fight for an end to bigotry and violence. i was recently writing about the differences in dating in the alt world vs the "normal" world and i think that has a lot to do with it. the community being small makes it easy to manage. in the 13 years i've been in our community, i have only heard about 2 incidents of people acting unacceptably (in the ways that would be defended or accepted in mainstream society). in one i was there for the aftermath where a guy showed up to a birthday party and a girl immediately wanted to leave because he had raped her. he was immediately asked to leave, everyone's opinion of him as a person changed radically, and we all stood behind her as having done nothing wrong. the other someone was drugged at a party. her friends immediately realized that she was not ok and took care of her. the person responsible was called out for it and is no longer welcome at any of our events. this is the place i proudly call home. i am surrounded by honourable men who do not put up with their friends preying upon women. i am surrounded by strong women who are not afraid to speak out and stand up for themselves. we do not find racist or homophobic or sexist jokes funny. we respect each-other as humans. if we are catty or dramatic, it is based on people's actions. stereotypes are not brought into it. all of my friends know that i was sexually abused as a child and have been sexually assaulted as an adult. i have never had anyone react to that knowledge in a negative or unsupportive way. i am female and pansexual and i never get discriminated against for it. coming from that basis of support gives me the strength to deal with people out in the "normal" world who are not so enlightened. it gives me the baseline for what is actually normal and sensible so i never consider other opinions may be true. i'm not battered with hatred and objectification on a daily basis. i keep it out of my life so it can't infect me like the plague it is. and i'm not afraid to walk down the street alone at night. i'm not afraid to be in an elevator with a strange man or cross a nasty area of town alone. i'm healthy and strong and capable of defending myself. i have my head on straight about reasonable risk. failing all that i carry a large knife and the training to use it. living in a healthy community gives me the strength to deal with an unsafe one. attending events and making friends here is a tacit agreement to abide by our rules. when we bring new people in we have a good idea that they are respectful and open minded. usually they share some interests but far more important is their attitude. i think that's why it's very common for people to come out to an event and immediately get the feeling "oh god, i'm home!". they are. this is what we were all looking for. the environment and the people where we fit. i'm not sure how we can extend these social rules into the rest of the world. maybe this kind of strict control only works in a small group or maybe that's the only reason we're able to be so different. i'm told that in cities where the alt community is huge it's the same. maybe it's just that we're used to being different in our clothing and our music and our interests. we don't care if our social rules are also different. we have no problem saying "i don't care if that's acceptable where you come from, that shit doesn't fly here". maybe it's just that the world needs to stop wearing their wishbone where their backbone aught to be. it starts with one person influencing their social group. it starts with one company choosing to market things in a way that focuses on their product without demeaning any group of people. it starts with you. stop wringing your hands. the next time your buddy makes a crack about getting a girl really drunk so he can get laid, don't laugh. tell him that's not fucking cool. stop going along with things. stand up and say no. people will respect you for it.

on social rules and dating in the alt world

eeps! it's been so long since i posted anything blogger has changed the whole layout. hopefully i'll be on here more in the near future. i wont bore you all silly with my news. if you care about such things i'm sure you've been kept informed on FB, etc. the point is that i finally have something new to say and the time to do so. i've been attempting recently to date outside of the alt world. the community is small and eventually you have either dated or discounted everyone in it. hence my testing the waters of dating in the "normal" community and getting really confused. i think i'm starting to understand why people do the modern formal dating ritual. it's a lack of trust thing. you meet in public to keep it safe. you don't trust the other person to like you so you dress up and spend too much money and act overly polite and bland. in the alt world we know and trust everyone to some extent so it's fine to hang out in private and it's fine to be ourselves. i think our way is better but it only works if all parties understand and agree to it. the goth world in insular because we all started as outcasts. the freaks no one liked. if you've ever wondered what became of the strange kids who thought that leggings, scraps of fabric and string made a great outfit, or that a dead bird was beautiful, that would be us. we found family and support and friendship together and learned to trust again, forming our own community. the rest of the world is not included in that trust. new people are brought in carefully and vouched for as safe and like-minded before being accepted. it's a bit like the bro code but far more specific and strict. we enforce our rules ruthlessly and unacceptable behaviour will lose you the trust of the community. we all know each other and we hear everything that goes on. there are no big secrets and you don't get away with shit. you also can't have feuds. the tribe is too small to not learn to get along. we accept each other's differences and revel in our shared interests. many of us are huge geeks. there's a lot of crossover to the hippy and punk and metal communities. i'll be talking about all of this under the umbrella of "alt" but it applies most accurately to goths as i'm examining our culture, i thought i would talk it out and provide some instruction for new people in the process. some differences: talking about sex in mixed company, even with people you don't know, and in detail, is totally fine as long as you're talking in general, not about a specific person. this is not even considered flirting most of the time (unless you're clearly checking if you're compatible with someone and they're reciprocating). talking about heavy emotional issues is fine as long as you know the person a little and often leads to closer friendships. it's not weird to lean on anyone from the community for support. you never overtly hit on anyone. ever. it isn't done. if you're interested you flirt more until you're fairly sure they like you as well and then talk about it or arrange to hang out one-on-one (note, not a formal date) or you "make a move" in a respectful way (a kiss for example). no one really goes on formal dates and there's certainly no unspoken rules about sleeping with them on the 3rd date or such nonsense. we just hang out, either one on one or in a group, or invite them to events. since you already know the person at least in passing, they have been vouched for by the group. we are REALLY big on sexual consent being freely given and never coerced, so this is perfectly safe. no one from the tribe is going to push you or put you in danger in any way. sleeping with someone does not have rules about when you would then contact them or what that now makes the two of you. we are honest about what's just a fuck buddy and what is a relationship of various kinds. neither are shameful. lots of people are poly, gay, bi, or pan sexual and bigotry of any kind is not tolerated. we're far more likely to judge someone for having unsafe sex than to keep track of how many people they've been with. slut shaming is very rare. your clothing does not say anything about you besides "i think this looks cool", or possibly "i like the band on my shirt". showing a lot of skin does not make you slutty, nor does it entitle anyone to touch you. one the subject of touch, we're particular about personal space. we're often touchy-feely with friends, sharing hugs and massages and maybe drunken kisses. this does not apply to people we don't know, even people in the scene. if you don't know someone you would assume you have no permission to touch any part of them besides a handshake for any reason until they touch you first. the rule seems to be that the less assertive of two people should be the one to initiate contact but that isn't set in stone. you get a feel for it, its just watched a lot more closely then outside the alt world. touch someone inappropriately and you could even get injured, either by that person, their friends, or the bouncers. at the least you will get a whole lot of "WTF?" aimed at you, depending on how badly you just fucked up. dancing with someone is sometimes flirting and sometimes just silly fun. it's all about what kind of dance. we are all very aware of the undercurrents in our encounters and we interpret them in a much more straightforward manner. we also talk about such things openly. you can see that the lines between friends and relationships tend to blur. this is why the "friendzone" isn't so much of a thing. if someone says you're just friends it's either that they are not attracted to you, or you are such close friends they couldn't risk losing you (i'm sure you'd know if that were the case). there's no wavering or having someone put you in the friend box so even though they think you're hot and it wouldn't be devastating to lose the friendship they wont change their opinion. that shit doesn't happen. the community is too small (a few hundred people maybe, in vancouver). if you like someone as a person and are attracted to them you just start flirting and see what happens. relationships evolve organically and are usually not officially defined for several months, even though you're communicating about it. i love our community and believe that all of this promotes safety and acceptance. we can be snobby and closed but we are fiercely loyal and supportive. lately i've been seeing the alt world growing as being geeky becomes more socially acceptable. on one hand i would love to see the group grow in numbers and there's certainly advantages to having our interests and way of seeing the world become more popular. on the other hand i worry that our being less selective about who we call our own will lead to a blending of morals and viewpoints with the "normal" world and we will lose some of what makes it unique and amazing. what do you guys think? what did i leave out?

guerrilla community garden

the revolution is rising! we broke ground on an abandoned lot today. the place is about 1/4 acre of weeds and grass and rocks where the owner has just been dumping crap for years. we decided it needs better parents then that so we're adopting it. this is what the site looked like before we started:


and this is an hour later (i don't know why this pic is so blue):


right now it just has some wild flower seeds sprinkled on top. we'll add more useful things later in the season. we got the wood from the crap already on location and cleared out the weeds in a nice sunny spot with loose bare soil.
it was just me and a guy from the guerrilla gardening meetup group but it worked out fine. we're just testing the waters with this one little bed for now and we'll expand from there if no one freaks out. we spoke to a few neighbors who didn't seem to object and one lady from next door seemed really interested and is going to help us run a hose over the fence so we have a water source. i'm really excited. the worst that's going to happen is the owners tearing the whole thing out but i don't think it's that likely since the land has been unused for at least 10 years. because it's been untouched the soil is nice and rich and healthy, if a little rocky. if we take over the whole space we'll need to either pull out a lot of weeds and grass or dump a lot of topsoil on top to smother it. my vote is for pulling out the grass and composting it. we'll be putting a compost pile in a corner and we found a dog kennel that's going to be dismantled for plant supports. there's also 3 old tires that are going to become a potato stack. i may relocate and cultivate some of the native blackberries and snowdrops that are already thriving there.
eventually it would be great to cover the whole place with little beds tended by the community. seed the paths in between with hardy short wildflowers or lay down the broken tiles that are dumped there like paving stones. this is where we're going to plant the things i don't have room or enough sun for on the balcony, specifically things that are unlikely to be recognized as food and stolen. i know people think that no one would steal your tomatoes from the vine but it happens around here all the time. homeless people go into backyards and strip your harvest. if i do plant things that may be stolen i'm going to plant enough to share on purpose (those abundant cherry tomatoes!). it would be nice to put in some fruit trees as well. this is a huge undertaking but i'm hoping that others in the area will want to be a part of it.
we do not have permission from the owner to do this. we're doing it anyways on the principal that land should belong to those who care for it and are in it's care, especially when those who hold the property deed are neglecting it. lots of community gardens have started this way, with people just taking it over and it eventually gets sanctioned and protected. we're doing this openly and hoping to promote friendships among the community and make this neighborhood a safer and more pleasant place to live. can't you just see it?

uncommon goods round up

valentine's is a time for indulgence and care of ourselves and our loved ones, is it not? it occurred to me how often i can be found hunting down interesting items that very few people know exist. i suppose i've become a bit of a connoisseur of the offbeat, interesting, and strange. i do a lot of DIYing so a lot of these hunts are for rare supplies or ingredients that non-crafty folk wouldn't have use for (bees wax pellets and e6000 glue, etc). i also frequent etsy, artisan indy stores, and markets for things i read about or that popped into my head and now i have to have them, hard to find or not. these often end up being among my favorite possessions, either for usefulness or beauty or both. i thought i'd share with you some little bits of affordable luxury. these are all things i either really want, am already waiting on my order, or have and use on a regular basis:



e-cigarettesthere's no long term studies on them yet and limited standardization for safety so be careful to do your research. these are becoming more and more popular either as an alternative to cigarettes or as a stop-smoking aid. it's a little metal cigarette that contains a rechargeable battery (usually usb charged), a little heating coil that atomizes the liquid, and a cartridge that holds your liquid and is your smoking tip. the liquid is a mix of glycerin, propylene glycol, nicotine, and flavourings (there's a whole world of recipes to mix your own blends too). i tried one of these the other night and it was really nice! not sure if it can replace smoking entirely for me but i'm sure it can reduce it quite a bit and more or less anything is healthier. since they only produce a water vapour you can "smoke" them anywhere and they're much cheaper and more eco-friendly than tobacco. the liquid also comes in tons of fun flavours. WANT



zomg smells
is this great little website i found via offbeathome where they make wonderfully geeky perfumes with names like "the melancholy death of nikola tesla" and "brontosaurus loves triceratops". i've heard great things. shipping is very reasonable and they have little 1ml samples called squees for about $3 each. a 10 pack of squees works out to about $30 after taxes and shipping. they seem to take quite some time to put your order together, i've been waiting almost a month already. if i like these ones i already have a list of at least 13 more i want to try, i'm super excited.



fake gauge earrings
oh i know, this is cheating and not very hardcore, especially by my usual go-hard-or-go-home standards, but it does give you the flexibility of big gauges when you want them and small ones when you don't. i think they look pretty good. i even found ones made with surgical steel posts so even my crazy sensitive skin can handle them. if you're not concerned about such things you have more options. etsy is a wonderful place. search "fake gauge earrings" for lots of options. most are made of wood, bone, or horn and most are hand carved.



metal or beaded bookmarks
i'm so sick of using scraps of trash in all my books. i love my books and i think they deserve nicer markers. i'm trying to amass a collection of ones i'm not ashamed of so there's always one around and i wont resort to gum wrappers and bus transfers. most of these are embarrassingly easy to make but if you really can't tell one end of a needle from another you can sometimes find these tucked in corners of bookshops and always on etsy. if all else fails a strip of pretty ribbon is better than trash



chameleon dresses
i had one of these made to my measurements and dyed to my preference for under $200 after tax and shipping but it looks like prices and fabrics have changed since then. this is still totally worth it. i love it to pieces. it's my go-to formal dress that i can tie in lots of different ways and it flatters any body type. best part is that it feels like pajamas! (hint-your prom dress looks like a prom dress. it's not appropriate for formal functions if you've been out of high school for more than a year or two. you're an adult now. attend adult parties looking like one)



handkerchiefs
kleanex is made of cottonwood trees. it also sheds dust and fibers like nobody's business. large amounts of people are allergic to cottonwood and dust. does this seem like a cruel joke to you? it does to me. i love handkerchiefs. i wish i had a ton more. i learned that if i have white ones and am not used to them yet, i often forget myself and toss them like you would a tissue. i was wondering where all of mine were going and then caught myself doing it one day. since then i get coloured ones. obviously it's insanely easy to make your own out of an old pillow slip or bed sheet, or even a thin t-shirt and then you don't even have to hem. i like mine about 12"-14" square but suit yourself. seriously tho, get some. so much nicer to your nose and you'll never run out of tissues again. just throw them in your regular laundry.



edible paper cake toppers
ok so these are totally indulgent but aren't they PRETTY!? they also come in flowers and leaves and dragonflies. they're made of rice paper, printed with food colouring. some of them are done on super thin sheets of frosting but those are made to be laid flat on your cake and they melt in. that's how they put photos on cakes in the bakery. i want to make a summer cake for beltane iced in green with a rainbow of flowers and butterflies. i also think an orange cake with autumn leaves and bats would be great. worth doing for a special occasion



stainless steel straws
i think this is a brilliant idea. you use steel forks and spoons, who says straws should be plastic and disposable? i expect a rinse in hot water would be fine if you've been drinking clear liquids. they're dishwasher safe if you've been sucking up milkshakes or similar. they come with a pipecleaner too. if you could find thin enough piping in a hardwear store you could just have them cut it to the lengths you want and file the edges smooth. also, hot liquids wont melt scary chemicals into your drink.



reusable sandwich bags
these come in zipper, fold-lock, and velcro closures, in all different colours and styles and sizes. obviously they wouldn't work for everything but you can still cut out a large chunk of disposibles with these. i fid that quality reusables are not just eco-friendly, but also much more pleasant to use, don't you? i often wonder how we were convinced to use throw-away items in the first place.



fire bowls
i'm currently putting one of these together but you can also buy them premade. it's a little personal fireplace! putting one on the balcony for chilly evenings and/or impromptu toasting of food on sticks. it's really just a nice heat-resistant bowl filled with sand or salt and rocks to somewhat hide the reservoir of chafing dish fuel. the bowl i bought was a touch too small for the standard cans of fuel but i do love it so i may just find a smaller reservoir. i was planning on refilling it from the bottles of liquid anyways. i'll try to put up a simple tutorial when mine's done.



hand knit clothes or accessories
this is a pretty broad category, i know. most of us have only experienced hand knit in the form of ugly gramma sweaters, stay with me here. first, if you have a gramma who wants to knit you things you should totally take her up on the offer! tell her the colours and styles you like, if you prefer bulky fluffy yarn or slinky smooth stuff. let her take measurements. leaf through her patterns. she has the skills and wants to make you something you'll like, just give her direction. if you do not know anyone who knits, and don't want to take up the addiction yourself, i suggest you get acquainted with etsy. hand crafted knits are nothing like storebought. you can feel the quality and care woven into every fiber. they're fully customized by shape, size, colour, style, material, and everything else about them. it's hard to explain just how lovely they are. buy a nice pair of hand knit socks or something and you'll see what i mean. it's like comparing home made foccacia with wonderbread. they're both labeled bread, and there the similarity ends. you can often find these things at farmer's markets.



custom made clothing
make friends with your local tailors and seamstresses! if you're involved with theatre people or performers of any kind they probably have contacts you can use. so do those lovely people at the farmer's market who are selling knits. ask around on facebook. chances are you know someone who knows someone who sews. being able to get things that fit perfectly for a reasonable price is a wonderful thing. you can also use etsy's alchemy feature and have one of their artists pick up your request. my experience with it has been a bit hit and miss, to be honest, and i'd rather support my friends if i can't do something myself. once you know one person who crafts they can usually point you to others who do jewelry, makeup and hair art, will make you a webpage, or whatever else your heart desires. believe me, you want to have creative people in your life and support their endeavors.



pretty serving dishes
i don't know if i'll ever be able to afford a full set of hand thrown, custom painted, wood-kiln fired dishes. if i had them i might be scared to use them. i can afford to add little pretty pieces here and there that work together and with the rest of my stuff. olive platter made from a melted wine bottle? yes please! sugar bowl with a little frog for a handle? absolutely! i think we need little touches of fun and beauty in our homes. and for the love of god do not put them in a glass cabinet and never use them, what on earth good is that? use the good dishes! they were designed to be handled and loved. buying them online will run you a pretty penny in shipping cause them things are heavy. small art galleries and farmer's markets are a better bet



nice journals and notebooks
do you keep a brain-in-a-book? i do. everything from to-do lists and budgets to drawings and journal entries. receipts and money and pamphlets get shoved in. i always have a nice pen. if it falls open it will explode. i try to buy or make nice ones. i should really invest more in them since i'm never seen without it. one of these days i'll learn to bind books myself and not worry about them being too pricey. in the mean time it's a nice indulgence. one of those little gifts to myself so that i can enjoy the things i handle and rely on daily. i've been meaning to get another cartridge fountain pen to go with a nice hand bound book. i love dip pens to pieces but they're not very portable.



cloaks
i've been trying to bring cloaks back into fashion for years. they're wonderfully multipurpose, as warm or cool as you like, go with everything, are super easy to make, what's not to like!? be careful not to get ripped off buying these. you should be mostly paying for fabric quality. it is a ton of fabric, but it only takes a few hours to put one together so don't let someone charge you $150 for labor or something (unless they hand-sewed the whole monster because fun fur wont fit in the machine, but i'm nuts like that). next one i make needs to have pockets on the inside. they're much more comfy with either several clasps or one big toggle-style one. the little pretty ones tend to slide backwards and choke you.



gladiator sandals
i'm still trying to break mine in but these are a great example of simple technology that needs no improvement. they last for ages, are really comfy once the leather is broken in, and can be tied many ways. unisex and functional, these go from hiking in the woods to a semi-formal wedding with no trouble. lets see your heels do that!



hair sticks and french combs
this is mostly for those with long hair. you can keep your bobby pins and elastics and claw clips. if you want a versatile hair accessory that is comfortable and simple, wont fall apart or wreck your hair, than look for really old school stuff. you need to get a feel for the physics involved. both use your hair's own resistance and you twist before pinning. here and here are good places to start. get the hang of it with cheepy ones from the dollar store and then invest in a few pretty pieces. the nice part about them being simple is they can be made of lots of different materials and be as ornate or simple as you like. i'm fond of pretty wood and/or copper.

btw, none of these people are paying me in any way. i just like their stuff. so what interesting and hard to find stuff are you in love with? i think we all need a little affordable indulgence in our lives.

spanikopita stuffed foccacia bread

difficulty rating: bottle short of a six pack
kinda greek-italian fusion food. this premise holds true for any kind of stuffed bun. it's based on my usual focaccia and usual spanikopita but without the egg

mix 1 cup warm water
1 rounded Tbs instant yeast
1 rounded Tbs sugar
let sit for 10 min or until foamy

in the mean time mix 2 cups flour with
3/4 tsp each of dill, oregano, basil, garlic, pepper, and salt

add the yeast mix to the flour along with 2-3 Tbs olive oil. stir until a soft dough forms. kneed until soft and elasticy but still slightly sticky. add more flour as needed. coat lightly in oil and cover. let rise in a warm place for 25 min or until doubled.

in the mean time sauté 1/4 of a diced onion in a bit of olive oil
mix with 1 1/4 cups chopped cooked spinach (frozen is fine, drain it well)
1/2 tsp each of dill, basil, oregano, garlic, salt and pepper
1/4 tsp nutmeg
2-3 Tbs lemon juice
1 cup low-fat crumbled feta cheese
adjust seasonings as you see fit

your dough should have risen by now, punch down and divide into 6 pieces. flatten each piece to about 1/2 an inch thick, put a blob of filling in the middle, bring all the sides together and squish to form a bun full of goodies. place them evenly on parchment paper on a baking sheet.

let rise till doubled in size again, bake at 325-350 for 20 min until golden brown on top. turn the heat down if they're getting too dark.

brush the tops with olive oil or butter, top with a bit of parmesan while still hot so it melts a bit.

let the damn thing cool a bit or you'll burn your face off! add a salad. call it dinner. bring leftovers to work tomorrow. tell the little old greek lady spinning in her grave to fuck off cause it's tasty.

done.

plans for the garden

so there's lots of other stuff i was going to write about "when i have more time" and right now i can't remember any of it right now. oh well. it's jan in vancouver and i'm heartily sick of the rain and fog and general gloominess. we've have about 2 days of partial sun here in the last 3 or 4 weeks. i'm desperate for some vitamin D. i know, can't really expect anything different living in van but i never chose to live here, damnit. i'm loooonging for spring. i want cherry blossoms and crocuses and sunshine and daffodils. most of all I WANT TO PLANT THE GARDEN!!! our new place has a nice sized balcony and i fully intend to make us an edible jungle out there. this is what i'm planning:

window boxes-all the way around the outside of the railing. this will give us lots of planting room without eating all the walking space. i'll try to find deep ones since the usual 6" depth is not ideal for veggies. it's fine for herbs and lettuce and edible flowers and i did grow tomatoes in them last year with limited success but i think everything would have done better with deeper roots. in these is going to go most of the herbs, lettuce, snow peas, cucumbers, zucchini, green onions, carrots, radishes, violets, and strawberries. anything that has to climb, has shallow roots, and/or needs lots of sun. our balcony faces north-east so we are going to have issues with not enough light, especially on the northern side. light hogs like tomatoes and eggplant have to go on the east side. i may also be getting cuttings of honeysuckle so i'll have to make room for a planter or two on the ground so they can wind their lovely smelling vines all around the balcony railings under the rest of the edible jungle.

self watering containers-at least a couple in the corners for stuff that really needs to never dry out. i'll be trying my hand at making these out of the 3 gallon buckets they have at my local dollar store. should make a nice weekend project while i'm waiting for the weather to warm up and the sun to come back. in these is going to be cherry tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, and brussel sprouts. i'm trying not to use up too much floor space with these so we'll tuck them in corners. the water hogs are also light hogs so we'll see about staggering things in hight over on the north side.

compost-rule 1 of gardening, build your soil!!! first of all i'm determined to find a good source of ready-made compost to give my plants a nice head start. potting soil from a bag is sterile and dead. that's very bad for healthy plants. secondly, i'm determined to get a vermiculture bin to live on the balcony. we wont have anything finished from it for a few months but at least worms can eat our garbage rather than the landfill and we should have some great stuff by mid to late summer

hanging baskets-to make use of vertical space. while we're at it i'll be running fishing line to the roof as trellis for climbing things like the peas. i think i'll have to glue little strips of wood to the stucco to have an anchor point to attach things to. time to see if gorilla glue is all it's cracked up to be. i think i have 1"x1"s around here somewhere but i'll have to wait for a dry day. anything that trails can go in the hanging baskets so probably the oregano and thyme and whatever other herbs i can get to behave in them. maybe some nasturtiums tumbling over the edge for colour.

early and late crops-i wont really know if i have space problems until i have all the planters in place but since my plans are more ambitious than last year and my light isn't as good, there's a fair chance i'll be struggling to fit everything where it will do well. some of this issue i plan on managing by having a few crops that are happier with cooler weather and less light, such as snow peas, radishes, lettuce, and brussel sprouts; and others that either have long growing seasons or need the blazing heat of summer, such as carrots and peppers. the early crops can be pulled out when they're wrapping up and replaced with something that needs their space, than replanted later in the summer for a fall crop or just moved elsewhere.

other pretty and useful things-mirrors are going to go in on the building side to reflect back what light we do get. i'll have to watch carefully in the summer that they don't burn the plants if the light gets too intense. if so i'll have to screen them somewhat with a piece of sheer fabric or something. a little triangular shelf is going to go in one corner to hold an ashtray, a little fountain, and your drink. i'm hoping this can take the place of the little table out there right now and free up a bit of floor space. i love fountains and have been missing them since both of mine broke. if i can find a cheep one i'll get two and put one in my bedroom as well. i'm hoping this will help attract birds and bees. if i have room i'll put in a small bird feeder as well just to enjoy their company a little closer up. we'll have to watch the cats carefully :) since we'll be creating a lovely little garden with living curtains, i was going to make it a tad more habitable with a fast drying mat or carpet. i might crochet a rag rug or something. i'll probably put in a couple of hurricane oil lamps as well that can be filled with citronella for summer evenings. the neighbours have a little BBQ which means we can get away with this too if we can find a place to put it...

i just found out that there's a good garden store right by holdom skytrain, which means i can actually get at it! before the only one i knew of was over an hour by bus. initial setup will be a lot of stuff (planters, brackets, compost, soil) so i'm hoping to get a friend to drive me for that run and get everything set up by the end of feb at the latest. i want to start planting no later than early march, mid feb if i can manage it. last year i think i started too late. this year i'm so eager i'll be amazed if i can wait for the last frost to clear. i must go play in the plant store! and somehow avoid buying everything in sight. hmmm, maybe if i just price things out and buy some seeds to start with? wish me luck!

harry potter trivia game

the trivia game
ok, this is just for you geekiest of people out there. this is the trivia game i used for the harry potter party. fair warning it is HARD. i did that on purpose since most of the ones i found were pathetically too easy. this was printed out and pasted into the monster book of monsters. when people answered a question correctly they got a chocolate "galleon" as a prize and to keep track. the person with the most right answers per game got a weasley is our king badge. feel free to use this for your own party, please link back to here if you re-post it. i worked really hard on this. answers are mostly from the books, but some from the movies. if there's a difference it's stated. some answers are only found on hp lexicon and interviews from jk rowling. here we go!

quidditch
where was the first golden snitch made?
goddric’s hollow

storyline
kreacher gives harry a christmas present. what was it?
a box full of maggots

universe
why are red caps dangerous?
they like to kill humans to dye their hats red with their blood

universe
what is a puffskein?
a custard coloured furball that makes a pleasant purring sound. they have long tongues and are
often kept as pets. they eat anything from spiders to leftovers so they’re easy to care for. fred
and george breed miniature puffskeins in pink and purple called pygmy puffs.

universe
What is the make and model of Mr. Weasley's flying car?
Ford Anglia

hogwarts
Who was the headmaster of Hogwarts before Dumbledore?
Armando Dippet

characters
What is the full name of Nearly Headless Nick?
Sir Nicholas De Mimsy-Porpington

hogwarts
What is the Hogwarts school motto?
Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus, the Latin translation for "Never tickle a sleeping dragon"

characters
What is Albus Dumbledore’s mother’s name?
Kendra Dumbledore

characters
Who has a scar in the shape of a map of the London underground?
Albus dumbledore

universe
What type of cactus squirts stick sap as a defense? (also once used as a Griffendor password)
Mimbulus mimbletonia

universe
What sort of organism causes spattergroit?
Fungus (very contagious)

characters
Which character ends up with “sneak” written in pimples across their face?
Marietta Edgecombe

characters
What does molly weasley like arthur to call her when they are alone?
Molly wobbles

characters
Which Patil twin is a Ravenclaw?
Padma

characters
What is Dumbledore’s favorite flavor of jam?
Raspberry “but if i was a death eater, i’m sure i would have researched my own jam
preferences”

characters
What is Ron’s middle name?
Bilius, named after his uncle who use to be the life of the party at weddings. he used to drink a
whole bottle of firewhiskey, bend over, pull up his robes and pull bunches of flowers out of
his...never mind. never married, for some reason.

quidditch
What was used as the first snitch?
A tiny bird, but rules changed over the years to prevent animal cruelty

quidditch
In quidditch, what is bumphing?
a foul that applies to beaters only, it is when a Beater is hitting a Bludger towards the crowd,
necessitating a halt of the game as the officials rush to protect bystanders. Sometimes used by
unscrupulous players to prevent an opposing Chaser from scoring

quidditch
in quidditch, what is blagging?
a foul that applies to all players, it is when a player seizes opponent's broom tail to slow or
hinder

quidditch
in quidditch, what is blatching?
a foul that applies to all players, it is when a person is flying with the intent to collide

quidditch
what is the quaffle covered with?
Red leather

quidditch
Name a game besides quidditch that’s played on brooms:
-Aingingein (Ireland) - Played on broomsticks, using a ball called a Dom and a series of flaming
hoops.
-annual broom race of Sweden
-Creaothceann (Scotland) - Popular in the Middle Ages, probably the most dangerous of all
broom games. Involved trying to catch hundreds of falling rocks and bludgers in cauldrons
causing a huge number of fatalities, banned in 1762
-Quodpot (USA) - an American variant of Quidditch invented by Abraham Peasegood. Has
eleven players per side and an exploding ball called the Quod.
-Shuntbumps- popular in Devon, England. Similar to jousting, the goal to knock other players
from their brooms. (Survives only as a children's game)
-Stichstock (Germany) - Ancient game that used an inflated dragon's bladder atop a 20 foot high
pole.
-Swivenhodge - began in Herefordshire involves hitting an inflated pig's bladder backwards and
forwards across a hedge with brooms. Still played today.

characters
What house does moaning myrtle belong to?
Ravenclaw

characters
What house was Tonks in?
Hufflepuff

universe
Where are Acromantula native to?
Borneo, believed to be wizard-bred (an example of why there is a ban on experimental
breeding), they are considered a beast rather then a sentient creature (despite being capable of
speech and thought) due to their violent nature

universe
What is the proper breed name for madame maxime’s winged horses?
Abraxans, they drink only single malt whiskey

characters
What is Sirius Black's mother’s name?
Walburga black. Orion is not only her husband but also her cousin

characters
What is voldemort’s mother’s name?
Merope Gaunt

characters
Who is Dragomir Gorgovitch ?
A quidditch player, a Chaser for the Chudley Cannons Quidditch team. He is also the record
holder for the amount of times he has dropped a Quaffle during Quidditch matches

spells/potions
What does the spell “anapneo” do?
Clears target’s airway, if blocked

characters
What does professor Vector teach?
Arithmancy

quidditch
How many fouls are there in quidditch?
700

characters
What was lee jordon’s handle on potterwatch?
River

storyline
How many times was nearly headless nick struck in the neck?
45, for the crime of trying to straighten a lady’s teeth and accidentally giving her a tusk instead

storyline
Which 2 defense against the dark arts teachers were followers of voldemort?
Quirrell and snape

logic
Why don’t electronics work in Hogwarts?
All the magic creates too much interference

storyline
Who was teasing moaning mytle about her glasses just before she died?
Olive hornby

universe
What was hagrid’s dragon named?
Norbert

hogwarts
What fruit did you have to tickle on the painting in order to enter into the hogwarts kitchens?
Pear. it giggles and then turns into a handle for the door

characters
What school does dudley go to?
Smeltings

characters
Which professor was a dueling champion when he was young?
Flitwick

hogwarts
How many staircases are there at Hogwarts?
142 and they like to move

characters
Why doesn’t dumbledore like every flavor beans?
He came across a vomit flavored one and lost his liking for them. This is not restored by trying
one of Harry's as it is ear wax flavored

characters
What is the name of aunt marge’s favorite dog?
Ripper, she has 12 in total

storyline
What charm did Hermione miss learning when she slept through charms class?
Cheering charms. When harry performs one on Ron during their exams he overdoes it and Ron
has to be led away to a quiet room for an hour to calm down

storyline
Who was the first person to escape azkaban?
Bertemius crouch jr, but we don’t find that out until long after Sirius is hunted for doing so

wand lore
What type of wood is draco’s wand?
Hawthorn

characters
Who is Harry's oldest child?
James Potter jr

storyline
How old was sirius when he bought his first house?
17. he got the money from his uncle alphard. Walburga blasted Alphard off the family tree
tapestry for it but it doesn’t much matter since he was never dependant on the rest of the family

characters
Why didn’t dumbledore ever marry?
He’s gay. He was in love with grindelwald, which gives new meaning to their fateful duel

storyline
How much money did the wealseys win in the daily prophet grand prize galleon draw?
700 galleons, which they used to take a trip to egypt

universe
What number do you dial on the pay phone to enter the ministry of magic?
62442 (spells out “magic” on most phones)

universe
How do dementors multiply?
They grow like a fungus, they are not alive and cannot breed

universe
How many knuts are there to a sickle?
29. there are also 17 sickles to a galleon and a galleon is worth about 5 pounds in muggle
money

characters
Who is mr. Tibbles?
One of mrs figg’s cats, quite possibly a kneazle

characters
Who is tenebrus?
The first thestral to be born in the forbidden forest, hagrid’s favorite

characters
Who is mosag?
Aragog’s wife

storyline
When buckbeak became an outlaw, what was his name changed to?
Witherwings

storyline
What did ginny tell people ron had a tattoo of?
A pigmy puff, but she didn’t say where

universe
What are celestina warbeck’s backup singers?
A group of banshees

storyline
What lines were missing from the merpeople’s song in the movie?
Come and seek us where our voices sound.
We cannot sing above the ground.
**And while you're searching, ponder this:**
**We've taken what you'll sorely miss.**
An hour long you'll have to look,
To recover what we took.
**But past an hour - the prospect's black.**
**Too late, it's gone, it won't come back.**

spells/potions
What spell turns an object into a portkey?
“portus”

hogwarts
Where is the entrance to the room of requirement?
7th floor of hogwarts, across from a painting of barnabus the barmy trying to teach trolls ballet

storyline
*in the book* where did harry get gillyweed for the second task?
Dobby stole it from snape’s private storeroom (not Neville like in the movie)

spells/potions
There are 12 uses for dragon’s blood, which dumbledore discovered, we only know two of them
for sure. What are they?
An oven cleaner and a spot remover (hagrid uses a dragon meat steak for it’s healing properties
but it’s never specified that the blood is what alleviates stinging)

universe
What type of dragon is silvery blue and prized for it’s hide?
Swedish short snout

universe
what does the writing on the frame of the mirror of erised say?
‘Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi’ Reversing the inscription and rearranging the
spaces produces: I show not your face but your heart's desire

storyline
what specialized job does lupin do for the order of the phoenix?
spies on fenrir greyback and his gang of other werewolves, where he learns that far from being
unable to control himself, greyback purposely positions himself close to humans when he’s due
to transform in an effort to infect as many people as possible, particularly children.

storyline
who raises teddy lupin (remus and tonk’s son)?
tonk’s parents, although he spends a great deal of time at harry and ginny’s house

logic
what type of snake is nagini?
we’ve never been told but she is described as 15-20 feet long, green, with a diamond pattern at
least on her tail, with long poisonous fangs and a triangular head, making her most likely a very
large eastern green mamba. the only problem with this theory is that they are only found in
africa and voldemort is thought to have acquired her while hiding in albania. indeed, most fans
speculate that nagini was the last animal he possessed before wormtail helped him make the
rudimentary body he has during goblet of fire. it’s possible that jk rowling made up the breed or
that nagini has been altered by magic. this seems more likely since her venom is described as
preventing clotting, making it a hemotoxin. she may be a green pit viper or a common adder
that has been enlarged purposely or as a result of being possessed

logic
if a witch or wizard has a child with a muggle, are their children more likely to be muggle or
magic?
magic. it is a resilient and dominant gene, which is why muggle born witches and wizards are so
much more common then squibs.

storyline
who was the executioner who came for buckbeak?
the death eater macnair

wand lore
what is the core of the elder wand made of?
a hair from a thestral, very tricky and powerful and can be mastered only by someone willing to
face death (hence part of voldemort's problems with it)

universe
what type of owl is pigwidgeon?
scops

characters
what is molly weasley's maiden name?
Prewett. she lost several close relatives to death eaters

characters
what is fred and george's birthday?
april fool's day

universe
crookshanks is unusually intelligent because he's only half cat. what is he cross-bred with?
a kneazle

wand lore
what wood is hagrid's wand made of?
oak, which does not match his celtic tree month of birth but suits his personality better

characters
what event made ron afraid of spiders?
fred turning his teddy bear into a large spider when he was three

characters
what did dumbledore teach before he was headmaster?
transfiguration

universe
how is a basalisk born?
from a chicken egg, hatched under a toad

logic
which came first, the phoenix or the fire?
a circle has no beginning or ending

storyline
who sent the howler to Petunia and what did it say?
dumbledore. “remember my last, petunia!” reminding her that by taking in harry, she had agreed
to a binding magical contract of protection

storyline
when ron leaves harry and hermione during the search for horcruxes, where does he spend
christmas?
shell cottage with Bill and Fleur

storyline
how were the death eaters able to track harry, hermione, and ron to the cafe after they left the
wedding?
hermione says “voldemort”, which has been tabooed and makes people traceable as well as
breaking protective enchantments

logic
why and when does a bezoar make more sense then a properly made antidote?
antidotes take time to make, particularly if several poisons were used. if someone were already
poisoned you wouldn’t have time to brew one. on the other hand bezoars are not very common
so it would be a good idea to have one with you in any situation where you might be poisoned. if
you knew what poisons were likely to be used you could make the antidote ahead of time. alas,
bezoars do not work on everything

characters
what is harry’s birthday?
july 31st

storyline
what year did dumbledore defeat grindelwald?
1945, his rein of terror coincided with the second world war

characters
where is the malfoy’s secret chamber hidden?
under the drawing room floor, through a trapdoor

characters
what is dumbledore’s boggart?
the corpse of his sister ariana

storyline
which bank vault in gringotts contained the philosopher’s stone?
713, which belongs to dumbledore.

universe
what is the age requirement for an apparition license?
17

wand lore
what wood is voldemort’s first wand made of?
yew, which represents death and resurrection and is often considered an unlucky tree
hogwarts

what is the password to ravenclaw tower?
there isn’t one. you have to answer a question correctly or wait for someone else to come along
who can answer the question you couldn’t

storyline
ginny dates 3 boys that we know of, who are they?
dean thomas, micheal corner, and harry potter

spells/potions
what does the spell “colloportus” do?
seals a door, hermione uses it in the department of mysteries after a door melts harry’s knife

storyline
why does ginny break up with micheal corner?
he was a bad loser after griffendor beat ravenclaw at quidditch

characters
what is ginny’s pygmy puff named?
arnold

storyline
who won the world cup?
ireland, even though krum caught the snitch for bulgaria. the Weasley twins had bet all their
savings on this outcome but bagman paid them in leprechaun gold, which vanished after a few
hours. they needed the money to start their joke shop so they tried to blackmail him into paying
up but it didn’t work. after the horrors of the last task in the triwizard tournament, harry didn’t want his prize money so he gave it to the twins as start-up funds.

storyline
who cursed off george’s ear?
snape, with a sectumsempra curse during the battle of the 7 potters, but he was aiming at
another death eater’s hand

storyline
where does Hermione take them when they flee from the wedding?
tottenham court road where she used to go to the movies with her parents

hogwarts
why does the bloody baron wear chains?
to symbolize his repentance for killing helena ravenclaw in anger, the woman he loved who
spurned his advances. he killed himself when he saw what he’d done

characters
who became minister for magic after voldemort’s death?
kingsley shacklebolt

storyline
who kills bellatrix lestrange?
molly weasley, and it’s EPIC

universe
where is the snake in the zoo from?
bred in captivity in the UK, in the book he’s going to Brazil, in the movie he’s Burmese

storyline
who killed sirius black?
his cousin, bellatrix lestrange

characters
before he was freed, what did dobby wear?
a dirty pillowcase. house elves who are happy tend to care for their garments, like the hogwarts
elves and their tea towels, which were always perfectly clean. those who are unhappy, such as
kreatcher are often found wearing filthy rags.

characters
who was percy’s girlfriend?
penelope clearwater, a prefect from ravenclaw

characters
what was lily evans’ patronus?
a doe, just like snape’s because he was in love with her but was stuck in the friend zone and
then became a death eater, earning her enmity. he loved her anyways and turned spy for her
sake

storyline
what was the horcrux that voldemort made by accident?
harry himself. voldemort split his unstable soul by killing lily and james so when his curse
rebounded part of him latched onto the only living thing in that house. this is why harry is a
parselmouth and can see into voldemort’s thoughts

storyline
who destroys helga hufflepuff’s cup?
hermione, in the chamber of secrets with a basalisk fang.

spells/potions
what is the spell to make water pour out of your wand?
aguamenti

spells/potions
what is the spell to hoist someone upside down by their ankle? and it’s counterspell?
leviticorpus, and libericorpus, both nonverbal. invented by snape while he was in school and
went by the name ‘the half blood prince’

universe
who wrote ‘a history of magic’?
bathilda bagshot, noted magical historian, friend of the dumbledores and the potters, resident of
goddric’s hallow

storyline
when does harry meet alister moody?
june of his 4th year at hogwarts, at the bottom of his own enchanted trunk. the professor he met
at the beginning of that year was barty crouch jr disguised as madeye with polyjuice potion

storyline
who killed barty crouch sr?
his son, barty crouch jr, disguised as madeye moody. he transfigured his father’s body into a
bone and buried him in a patch of loose dirt close to hagrid’s cabin.

characters
who is hermes?
percy’s owl that he got as a reward for becoming a prefect

storyline
who was the secret keeper for the potter’s fidelius charm?
peter pettigrew. they were going to use sirius but switched at the last min since they thought he
would be too obvious of a choice and weren’t sure who was voldemort’s spy. unfortunately peter
was the spy and betrayed them.

characters
what did sirius tell harry, ron and hermione to call him while he was in hiding?
snuffles

storyline
who tells voldemort that harry is dead?
narcissa malfoy. she doesn’t care about winning anymore, she just wants to be able to rescue
her son so she lies and says he’s dead when she knows he isn’t. she knows she’ll only be
allowed to enter the castle as part of a victorious army.

storyline
who gave pigwidgeon to ron?
sirius. “because it’s my fault he no longer has a rat”

storyline
what happened to the rest of the time turners?
dumbledore’s army smashed them during the fight in the department of mysteries.

hogwarts
name at least 3 magical creatures that live in the forbidden forest
acromantula, unicorns, bowtruckles, mr weasley’s car, thestrals, centars, rumor has it
werewolves (but that might have just been lupin)

storyline
how was harry’s nimbus 2000 destroyed?
it blew into the whomping willow after harry fell off his broom

storyline
who does dobby rescue from the malfoys cellar?
harry, ron, hermione, luna, griphook, olivander, and in the book, dean. he dies in the process but
gets them all to shell cottage

storyline
who else was petrified at the same time as hermione?
penelope clearwater, percy’s girlfriend. this shakes him since he didn’t think anyone would dare
attack the prefects.

universe
what colour are unicorn foals?
gold, and they do not have horns yet. they are also not as biased against men when they’re
young

hogwarts
which ghost is very important in the books but never appears in the movies?
peeves. which is a shame since he would have been lots of fun!

hogwarts
how many secret exits are there from hogwarts?
seven. 4 filch knows about, one is caved in, one is under the whomping willow, and one is
through the one-eyed witch’s hump

characters
what are crabbe and goyle’s first names?
vincent and gregory


extras just for fun

the potion puzzle:
Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind,
Two of us will help you, which ever you would find,
One among us seven will let you move ahead,
Another will transport the drinker back instead,
Two among our number hold only nettle wine,
Three of us are killers, waiting bidden in line.
Choose, unless you wish to stay here forevermore,
To help you in your choice, we give you these clues four:
First, however slyly the poison tries to hide
You will always find some on nettle wine's left side;
Second, different are those who stand at either end,
But if you would move onward, neither is your friend;
Third, as you see clearly, all are different size,
Neither dwarf nor giant holds death in their insides;
Fourth, the second left and the second on the right
Are twins once you taste them, though different at first sight.

nearly headless nick's beheading song:
it was a mistake any wizard could make
who was tired and caught on the hop
one piffling error, and then, to my terror,
i found myself facing the chop.
alas for the eve when i met lady grieve
a-strolling the park in the dusk!
she was of the belief i could straighten her teeth
next moment she'd sprouted a tusk.
i cried through the night that i'd soon put her right
but the process of justice was lax;
they'd brought out the block, though they'd mislaid the rock
where they usually sharpened the axe.
next morning at dawn, with a face most forlorn,
the priest said try not to cry,
"you can come just like that, no, you won't need a hat,"
and i knew that my end must be nigh.
the man in the mask who would have the sad task
of cleaving my head from my neck,
said "nick, if you please, will you get to your knees,"
and i turned to a gibbering wreck.
"this may sting a bit" said the cack-handed twit
as he swung the axe up in the air,
but oh the blunt blade! no difference it made,
my head was still definitely there.
the axeman he hacked and he whacked and he thwacked,
"won't be too long," he assured me,
but quick it was not, and the bone-headed clot
took forty-five goes 'til he floored me.
and so i was dead, but my faithful old head
it never saw fit to desert me,
it still lingers on, that's the end of my song,
and now, please applaud, or you'll hurt me.